The Check List Continued! by Carlos Gancedo
Lists, lists, lists. We make them to remind us of what we need to do, who we need to call, and items necessary for a task. Dating has lists as well and we all make them whether we write them down or not. Women have a more evolved sense of the list they make for future mates, but men also make lists to remind us what we are looking for in a woman. In my last article I wrote a few things that I am looking for in a woman, not that I have the definitive list of what to look for, and I wanted to finish up my thoughts on my own personal checklist.
I mentioned a sense of humor and being physical attractive in my last piece and if you missed it, you can find it in Friday’s article. Here’s the rest:
1. A Kind Heart
A woman with compassion for those in need, for people who suffer, and for willingness to serve the forgotten, is a woman who can melt any heart. This trait is hard to find these days because of a general selfishness that has penetrated our society, our government, our world. There have been many women with kind hearts throughout history, but in modern times kindness is considered more of a weakness than strength. Kindness is considered a weak way to deal with issues, people or challenges. Sure we admire kind heroes like Mother Theresa, Ghandi, or Martin Luther King Jr. but we don’t really want to live a life that takes it on the chin when the fight gets tough do we? Let me be practical, and apply kindness to looking for a mate.
There are many times in a relationship where one person does something mean to the other, it’s not because we are evil, but because we have it in our nature to hurt one another, especially the ones we love. Your boyfriend always seems to say the wrong thing that hurts your fragile ego, and just doesn’t “get it” when it comes to dealing with how you “deserve” to be treated. He’s not romantic enough, he doesn’t listen to all your problems, and he seems distracted when you are telling him all the ways he needs to change.
Ugh! Enough with the whining, bitching, and nagging. No seriously, ENOUGH!
We all “deserve” to be treated well, but we all need to get over ourselves and deal with the reality of being in a relationship with a human being and not a fantasy man. If we can learn how to have more realistic expectations of a partner as well as realize it’s not all about you, then kindness can come in a begin to heal the rift and take a relationship from rocky to genuine in no time. Where kindness truly manifests itself is when there is no retaliation or bitterness for pain inflicted. Kindness encompasses so many traits like forgiveness, gentleness, humility and compassion, that it is more a way of life than a character trait.
If you find a kind woman, be careful of the warning that has been said many, many times, Kindness kills. Well something like that anyway, because when I meet a kind woman I know I can’t help but lose a piece of myself to the power of kindness.
2. Ambition
This is a trait that has been misconstrued by men and women as both negative and positive, depending on what point of view you might be coming from, so I like to think of ambition more as purpose. A purpose, a goal, a challenge. All can be good or bad, but worse than having an evil goal such as….”Ruling the WORLD! Muah Ha Ha!” is having no goal, no purpose, no challenge.
The other day I volunteered at an event where I was given a very menial task, I wasn’t really needed, and there were 6 other people also given the same task. I felt useless and worse, like I was wasting my time. I had no purpose. This lack of purpose at the event made me withdraw, isolate myself, and ultimately leave the event. There was nothing wrong with the event itself, but for me there was no reason to participate.
If you meet someone and they have no purpose in life, and more importantly, no desire to find purpose, you should not go into a relationship with that person. You can be their friend and show kindness towards them, help point them towards a goal, or guide them to someone who can help them find purpose, but it will not bode well to go into relationship where the person you want to date has no goal.
Some women often fall for these types of guys, and try to “fix” their man into being the kind of person they desire, but more often than not it backfires and they get hurt. Just watch a Lifetime Channel movie or the Jerry Springer Show and you will see the tragedy of women who fall for men with no purpose. The “bad boy” syndrome is how women like to describe the attraction to a man with no purpose, but I submit that the man is not a “bad-boy” but rather a man without REAL purpose.
This in no way tries to rank one purpose in life over the other. Or say that being an investment banker is more important than being a school teacher, as we all have to find our own purpose in life. However, I believe that real purpose is found in the serving of one’s family, friends, or countrymen, and that whatever tasks we choose in life to carry out that purpose is not as important as discovering who we want to live our life for, ourselves, or others. Having no purpose is a recipe for disaster in a relationship, as well as in life.
3. Can Cook
Here comes the hate, I can feel it. “Such a chauvinistic pig”, “Does he know that women are liberated”, “Does he think all women should clean the house as well?” And my answer to all the suggestions is: Yes, Dear.
Cooking is something that we all should be able to do, and even if you can’t cook you should be able to at least provide your man with some edible substance when he is hungry. So instead of thinking of cooking as the actual act of turning raw ingredients into another form of food, think of it as being able to provide the food. For instance do you think of your man when you stop and get yourself a PinkBerry or Taco Bell? Shit, we love Taco Bell too! This goes both ways men. We should be able to provide something edible for our woman as well and as often as our girlfriends do.
As a man who likes to cook, I don’t particularly enjoy the work it takes to get a decent meal to the table, but I do enjoy seeing the recipient of my efforts enjoy eating it. Plus I like to eat good food. When someone really enjoys my cooking and gets happy because of me, that gets me happy as well. A woman that can cook makes me feel that they also have the same desire to serve and please others with their talents and would be willing to find a way to make sure my potential kids with her would never go hungry no matter what the situation.
Plus it’s so damn primal. I mean Maslow has food as one of our basic, most important needs, and if you can prepare food for me in a way that makes me happy, you have immediately moved up my hierarchy of women/needs. If you can clean to boot, then… you had me at hello.
I hope this gives some insight into what a man thinks about when goes through his mental checklist. It’s not just a short skirt and big boobs as some women seem to think, but that the real way to a man’s heart is by being a woman of substance and real value to a man who needs a partner, not a servant, nor a trophy. There are many other silly things on my list like, must be willing to laugh at Ray Stevens songs or be willing to go skinny-dipping if ever near a lake on a full moon, but those are not nearly as important to me as the few I have shared with you.
I will be sharing more of silly ideas on dating, if you like, soon.
